May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
