guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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