someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
