Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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