I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
