Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize