You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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