I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
did i just pee glitter
as a side note pls kill me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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