Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize