Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
