I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
