i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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