Banned from zoo.
Again?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
