if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
