Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
