So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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