When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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