she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize