i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
