I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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