I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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