My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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