just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
