then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize