Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
