I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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