If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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