Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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