you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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