I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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