from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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