So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
