is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
