So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
