Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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