as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
