shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
