Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
