Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
