I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
