i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
