I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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