how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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