I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
