Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
