Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
