my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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