im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize