saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
