doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
