Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
