ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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