He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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