Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
