Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
