coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Found the puke drawer
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
