Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
