If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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