the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
