speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
