he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
