Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
