how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
