he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
