Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
