Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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