Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize