i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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